The Portable North Pole App: Now You Can Get Your Kids to Behave by Scaring Them With Santa Right on Your Phone!

Each year when the calendar flips from, I don’t know, let’s say June to July – heck, maybe even February to March if they’re really ambitious – parents everywhere start trotting out the jolly specter of Santa Claus to browbeat their children into submission.

It is tradition unlike any other and it is glorious.

Parenting is hard. Sometimes your kids just won’t listen to you no matter what you do. Unless you say, “Hey, I hope Santa isn’t watching right now.” Then they listen! Because if there is one person kids will always heed it is the fat old man in a red suit with a magical bag of bribes. SUCKERS!

But what if the whole Santa thing isn’t real enough for you? You know what I mean? Like, verbal Santa threats are fine and good, and taking your child to sit on the weirdo’s lap at the mall once a year and cry is great too, but what if you need something more visceral to really make it pop?

The Portable North Pole App is just what you’ve been waiting for!

Download it to your phone, personalize a few Santa videos, and BOOM – you don’t even have to talk to your kids anymore. When they start to annoy you, all you have to do is pull out your phone, pull up the personalized video, and show them Santa saying something like, “Hello {insert child’s name}. I hope you are being a good boy/girl this year. If so, I might be coming to visit you very soon!”

It’s that simple.

And even if the misbehaving persists, all you have to do is threaten to call Santa and tell him not to come. That is guaranteed to solve the problem because your kids now know Santa is in your phone! Genius. I mean, they have no idea that you would never actually call Santa because you are terrified of him and of talking on the phone. That’s the great thing about kids, they are easy to fool.

So, don’t delay a minute longer. Pick up the app so you can have a few weeks of peace. And then, just roll it over into next year. Everyone knows Santa really starts making that list in January or February.

Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions. It makes a great holiday gift for the scenic in your life!