How to Master School Car Line Drop-Off and Establish Dominance Over Your Fellow Parents

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1. Prepare Early

If you’re reading this now and you have a school-aged child, it’s too late. Way too late. Hopefully you have a newborn. If so, it’s time to get to work. Begin training your little bundle of joy now. Kindergarten may seem far away, but as any random person you see at the grocery store will helpfully remind you, time flies and the school car line waits for no parent, child, or baby. Begin training your newborn to unbuckle and exit their car seat in a timely fashion now. As the classic saying goes, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks (substitute baby for dog).

2. Make Sure the Child Locks on the Passenger Door are OFF!

Want to look like an idiot on the first day of school? Don’t check your child locks. You know, those things you switch on to prevent your wild child from leaping into traffic when the car is moving? Well, now you want them to leap when the car is moving. Not into traffic, but onto the sidewalk beside the car line. Some parents stop the car to let their children out, but completing drop-off at a slow roll establishes dominance. Immediately.

3. Don’t Pull All the Way Forward

Every car line has the same rules and the first rule is, pull forward until the line stops before letting your children out. Nah. Stop your car wherever you darn well please. On the street in front of the school? Sure. In the fire lane? Even better. At the grocery store two blocks away? Total boss move. Of course, you won’t be stopping. You’ll be doing a slow roll and jump. Preferably right in front of the principal while she’s sipping on her coffee standing somewhere the line isn’t stopped. She’ll be so impressed by your boldness, your children will be safety patrols in no time.

4. Double Check Your Child Locks

Seriously, I can’t emphasize this enough. You can avoid some serious embarrassment by doing this one simple task. What? Would you rather impale yourself on the gear shift while frantically trying to lunge across the car to disengage the locks? Guess what, you can’t disengage them from the inside! You have to get out of the car! You should never get out of the car!

5. If You Have to Get Out of the Car, Play It Cool

OK. So, worst-case scenario. Your children try to execute the super-dominant roll and jump maneuver, but crash into the door because the door won’t open. Their pudgy little faces are smooshed against the window, they are crying, there may or may not be blood everywhere, every car behind you is honking, and the principal is glaring — she certainly seemed much nicer at back-to-school night. The last thing you want to do is panic. Take a deep breath, gather yourself, crank up some music on the car stereo. Anything will do, but I suggest “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms because it has a peppy, up-beat vibe, yet the lyrics are kind of twisted. If you don’t expect too much from me, you might not be let down. Oh, you mean like turning off your child locks before entering the car line?

6. CHECK YOUR CHILD LOCKS NOW!!!!

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