I don’t usually make a big deal out of St. Patrick’s Day, but my 3-year-old told me the meerkat comes and we have to trap him to get his gold. Now I’m excited and a little nervous.

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 16, 2018

Instagram is down so don't go to the gym cause it won't count

— Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) July 13, 2018

tv shows, but more extreme:
-malcolm in the middle of a warzone
-gilmore girls gone wild
-comedians in cars getting crack
-are you more determined to live than a 5th grader?
-anderson cooper 1080

— Pitch (@pitchjokes) June 28, 2018

I started writing down my life goals and it turned out to be a list of places where I want to nap, but haven’t yet

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) February 12, 2018

My favorite hobby is seeing houses in my neighborhood with new for sale signs and immediately texting my wife about them for some reason

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 13, 2018

My 3-year-old and I totally crashed a Mom group’s #PiDay pie party at the park. It was a bit awkward. Unfortunate, too. Literally the one time I leave the house without bringing a pie with me. I definitely won’t make that mistake again.

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) March 14, 2018

*on a first date

Her: I love the beach and my dog and...

Jeff Bezos: Star Wars collectibles, vintage baby dolls, and handcrafted wine racks. Yeah, I know.

Her: Um...

Jeff: What?

— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) January 9, 2019