Types of personal fireworks you buy from those tents outside Wal-Mart or the back of someone's van or whatever ranked from best to worst...
- Ones that get left in a torrential downpour and are too wet to light. Because these don't work at all and are at your house, I don't even know they exist. Best case scenario.
- Ones that are defective and only light a little bit before fizzling out. Clearly my second favorites. There are few things I love more than the sound of fireworks fizzling out in my neighbor's yard before they even get started.
- Ones that are lit before 9 p.m. I know, I know, it doesn't get dark till 9, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. My kids go to bed by 9 and that's literally the only thing I care about. If your firework usage was limited to July 4th, that would be OK, kind of, but when it's the entire month of July...that's another story.
- Ones that are lit after 8 a.m. See above. Again, my kids' sleep schedule is the only thing I care about. Ever.
- Ones that are of reasonable size and produce levels of noise that are appropriate for neighborhood usage. For example, sparklers. I can really get behind a good sparkler. Give me one of those and a cool bottle of water and I will just go to town. America baby!
- Ones that don't rattle the windows of my house when detonated. Clearly, as this list indicates, I'm all for having a good time, but when your fun bombs start shaking my bay window and my Chihuahuas I'm all like, dude, chill.
- Ones that don't make that really loud WEEEEEEEE-OOOOHHHHHH sound when launched. I mean, while I do enjoy a good firework that sounds like an air raid siren...actually no, I really don't enjoy that at all. Particularly when launched after my kids are in bed. See above for relevant times.
- Ones that my neighbor has right now that don't fit any of the above criteria are dead to me.
Yes, if you were wondering, I am old. Happy Fourth of July everyone! I hope you all have a blast! That's a lie. I hope you all don't wake up my kids!