Totally Convincing Explanations for Why the Elf on the Shelf Didn't Move Last Night
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"Is it possible that Mr. Elf did move, but then moved back to his original position because this spot is just so darn cozy? I mean, when you’re perched atop a grandfather clock with your little red legs hanging over the face, why would you ever move? Also, that reminds me of the audiobook of The Nutcracker I used to listen to in bed when I was a child. The scene where Drosselmeyer was sitting on the grandfather clock is burned into my memory. I had so many nightmares. Anyway, I’m sure Mr. Elf will move somewhere else tonight. Maybe he’ll dangle from your bunk bed and stare into your sleeping face!"
"Oh dear. I was afraid this might happen. Kids, I have confession. I touched Mr. Elf last night. Wait, did I say I touched Mr. Elf? What I meant was that someone else touched Mr. Elf. A robber perhaps? Yes, a robber. They didn’t steal anything, though. They were mainly after the elf. But don’t worry. I have a feeling Mr. Elf’s magic will return tonight. Santa told me!"
"Hmm, I guess Mr. Elf did hear that little tantrum you threw at 3:45 yesterday afternoon. Remember? When you claimed that the cookies were too cookie-shaped. It appears that Mr. Elf does not look too kindly upon cookie-related tantrums and decided to just stay put for the night. Only well-behaved children deserve to have an elf that comes to life at night and creeps around the house while everyone is sleeping."
"So what if he didn’t move? Elves have rights, you know! I though you of all people would know that. I believe you’ve heard of a little thing called the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare or S.P.E.W? Yes, I believe a Miss Hermione Granger (and literally no one else because slavery is totes cool in the wizarding world) would have some thoughts about our out-sized expectations for poor Mr. Elf. Let’s just think about that for a few moments and also consider whether Santa is indeed watching us right now."
"What do you mean he didn’t move? I’m pretty sure he was about an inch and a half farther to the left last night. Shall I get out the tape measure? When you think about it, expecting him to make a dramatic, long-distance move every single night is a bit much, isn’t it? I mean, he is very busy spying on you and such. Maybe he determined that position was the best position from which to observe your wickedness."
"Um, he was really tired from all the toy making. That’s what he does, right? Anyway, he was flat out exhausted. Oh, and there are two empty bottles of wine here. How naughty, Mr. Elf! No wonder you didn’t move. I bet you have a splitting headache, too. Here, let’s keep the lights dimmed so his head doesn’t split open. We don’t want elf brain’s all over the floor. Santa would hate that!"
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