18 Things to Do the Day You Bring Your Third Child Home From the Hospital

  1. Panic.
  2. Drive from your house to the hospital. You were at your house because you still have to spend some time with the other ones. When you get to the hospital, open the trunk to your family vehicle and realize you have left the baby's car seat at home. Drive back home. Repeat; this time with the car seat. Don't sweat it too much because these minutes in the car are the last ones you will spend by yourself for the rest of your life.
  3. Realize for the first time that having three kids is basically one long logistical nightmare.
  4. Insert newborn into car seat and remark on how, despite what everyone says, she seems pretty darn tiny. The car seat practically swallows her up. Because she looks so ridiculous in there, if she was born the day before, say "Geez, were you born yesterday?" Don't pass up the opportunity to use that one. It only comes around once.
  5. When you get home, ignore the baby as much as possible and give all your attention to her siblings. This is actually a serious one. Turning into Parenting 101 up in here all of a sudden (it won't last).
  6. Panic.
  7. Also take a moment to pay some attention to your Chihuahuas because they deserve your love too. When they jump on your face, attempt to calm them down by saying soothingly, "Yes, I'm really sorry, but we got another one. I promise this is the last. No, I'm not lying this time."
  8. Resist the urge to post yet another baby picture to Facebook because you don't want to overdo it already. Even if this picture is a really good one. Like, really good. OK. OK. Just say it. This one was a picture of the baby sleeping on the couch with a pillow beside her and you were going to say "I put the pillow there just in case she got frisky."
  9. Post the picture.
  10. Take another moment to think about the universe and time and the improbable sequence of events that brought you to this particular situation or whatever.
  11. Drink.
  12. Tend to someone who is crying.
  13. Tend to someone else who is crying.
  14. If you're crying, tend to yourself.
  15. Try to resist, but ultimately give in. Post just one more picture. There is a Chihuahua and a baby in it! No one really expects you to have the requisite self-control to keep that to yourself.
  16. Panic.
  17. Delete the pictures.
  18. Panic.
Put the pillow there just in case she got frisky

Put the pillow there just in case she got frisky

Me, Baby, and Chihuahua

Me, Baby, and Chihuahua