How to be cool like me…Tip #37

Another book excerpt to improve your hipness quotient…

Coolness Tip #37: Fellas, never wear a cell phone clipped to your belt or waist…that’s what pockets are for!

Ok, I’ve done quite a bit of informal research on this particular nugget, so it’s near and dear to my heart.  One of the advantages of working at a university is you have copious opportunities to observe people in their natural habitats without them noticing.  Before I moved back on campus for work, I ate lunch at the local off-campus establishments pretty much every day.  This was the perfect set up.  Because I pretty much dressed like a college student, I could observe the local business people and they were none the wiser. 

Through the course of my research in this environment and elsewhere I developed an elegant theory.  Simply stated…toolish behavior positively correlates with the totally uncool wearing of cell phones on the belt.   The method I used to develop this theory was as follows.  I would observe (and eavesdrop on) people in line at restaurants or eating with their lunch companions.  Any time I overheard what I considered to be toolish behavior…I would check for the presence of a clip-on cell phone.  More often than not…guys exhibiting toolish behavior did in fact sport the clip-on phone.  Just like that…a theory was born.

Now, you’re probably wondering…what do you define as toolish behavior?  That’s a good question and one I’m afraid I don’t have a good answer for.  The best I can do is say that you’ll probably know it when you see it.  The “lactose intolerant” comment from the Qdoba customer is good example.  In addition, the most common ones I notice are guys that make boastful-sounding comments about all their work clients, how much responsibility they have at work, or use business jargon in regular conversation.  A quick tip to anyone that might fall into this category…don’t talk about your work.  Nobody really cares. Even if someone asks…they probably still don’t really care.

Anyway, I must caution that due to my research method…at this point my theory only works in one direction.  That is…the presence of a clip-on cell phone doesn’t necessarily equal a tool, but toolish behavior strongly suggests that the person will be wearing a clip-on cell phone.  However, to avoid any potential misdiagnosis (and to instantly increase your coolness) I strongly advise all guys to give the clip-ons a break.