To My Second Born on His Fourth Birthday

To My Second Born on His Fourth Birthday

I remember your mom texted me while she was at work the day you were born. She’s a labor and delivery nurse, of course, and she was working in the hospital where you were to be delivered, so I guess if she had to be working when she went into labor that was the best possible place to be, but still, it was pleasantly quirky and remains a fun story that I sometimes think about telling people when I’m mingling at my numerous imaginary social gatherings.

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Just a Few Everyday Discussions With My Four-Year-Old

4 y.o.: You know what I wish?

Me: What do you wish?

4 y.o.: I wish that I could be a PJ Mask.

Me: Oh yeah? Me too. But I want to be the one that doesn’t dress up and just stays home and sleeps at night instead of catching bad guys.

4 y.o.: …

 ****

4 y.o.: I wish there were fireworks that you can just see but don’t make any noise.

Me: Yeah.

4 y.o.: Because then I wouldn’t be scared.

Me: Mm-hmm.

4 y.o.: That would be amazing.

 ****

4 y.o.: Why do they call these hands?

Me: That's just what they're called.

4 y.o.: Why do they call these noses?

Me: That's just what they're called.

4 y.o.: *asks same question for every body part*

Me: *falls asleep, wakes up a couple house later*

4 y.o.: Why do they call these shirts?

 ****

*Listening to 80s music on the radio*

4 y.o.: What does that mean? Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Like everybody wants to be in charge. Everybody wants to be king of the world.

4 y.o.: Why do people want to do that?

Me: I don't know. Power. Greed. Ego?

4 y.o.: Because it's nice?

Me: Sure.

4 y.o.: The Christmas train movie is my favorite movie.

 ****

4 y.o.: When will I be old enough to watch SpongeBob? I do like it.

Me: NEVER

 ****

4 y.o.: When you swim are you supposed to cover your nose and mouth with your hand so you don’t get water in them?

Me: I don’t know if that’s possible.

4 y.o.: But are you?

Me: Yes.

 ****

J: If we eat all the apples there are zero apples.

Me: Right.

J: If there are no trees left on earth there are zero.

Me: Yes?

J: If there is no sun there are zero.

Me: Ok.

J: I wish the sun would go away because it's too hot.

Me: But we need it or earth would be too cold.

J: But I like it cold.

Me: It would be very, very cold without the sun.

J: I like it very, very cold.

Me: Ok fine.

J: There is supposed to be a polar bear in the house at Christmas.

Me: ...

 

Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is now available for immediate purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions are both available. Don’t wait…everyone is doing it! (And by everyone I mean more than zero people.)

My 4-Year-Old Asked My Mom About the Can of Coke in Her Refrigerator and Basically Cut Her Off at the Knees

My 4-year-old, Jacob, saw my niece, Charlotte, get a can of Coke out of my mom's refrigerator and he had a few pointed questions...

Jacob: What did Charlotte get out of your refrigerator?

My mom: It's called Coke. It's a kind of drink.

Jacob: Can I have some?

Mom: No, it's not very good for you.

Jacob.: Why is Charlotte having it?

Mom: Well, I guess a little is OK for older kids and adults.

Jacob.: Why is it bad for you?

Mom: It has a lot of sugar.

Jacob: I like sugar.

Mom: Yes, but too much isn't good for you.

Jacob: If those drinks are so bad, why do we have them on earth?

Mom: That's a good question. I don't know really.

Jacob: Well, why do you have them in your refrigerator?

Mom: ...

#Owned

Preschool So Far: What We Know and What We Don’t Know

Preschool So Far: What We Know and What We Don’t Know

Our four-year-old is about two weeks into his preschool experience. Somewhat surprisingly, so far, so good. Maybe he’s not so much like me after all. Yay, him!

Perhaps the best part of preschool from the parent side is trying to piece together what exactly goes on from the time we drop him off until the time we pick him up. Attempting to account for that three hour window is definitely still a work in progress. Here are a few things we know and don’t know.

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Daddy, I Want You

Daddy, I Want You

Sometimes in the middle of the night, when the world is a little blurry around the edges, certain truths come into focus.

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Dear Sofia, I’m Really Disappointed

Dear Sofia, I’m Really Disappointed

I don’t know about you, but there are few things I love more than Sofia the First. 

Sometimes we’ll be watching an old episode and my four-year-old will lose interest. He’ll start jumping off the couch or whatever. Even worse, sometimes he wants me to do something else with him before the episode is over. He’ll be all like, “Daddy, Daddy! Let’s pretend you think I’m in the TV.” Meanwhile, I’m like, “Dude, chill. We can pretend you’re trapped inside the TV for the two thousandth time today in a few minutes. Right now I need to find out if Sofia and her pathetic horse Minimus are going to overcome incredibly long odds––like the Sixers wining the NBA championship type of odds­­­­––to win this flying horse derby thing and in the process if that little jerk Prince Hugo is going to get his comeuppance.” 

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My 4-Year-Old's Restaurant

Well, I can't say I'm too surprised he got some negative reviews. I mean, my most recent dining experience looked like this...

But hey, looks like he's doing something right!

Yelp Reviews

(Thanks to the editors at Razed for running with this!)

By a Nose

By a Nose

It finally happened. My four-year-old broke my nose with his head. Let’s be honest, we all knew it was only a matter of time.

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In Defense of the Predictable

“Pretend that you think you left Jacob at Betsy’s house,” said recently turned four-year-old Jacob.

“OK,” I replied.

“Tell Mommy!” he whispered loudly. 

“Oh no, I think we left Jacob at Betsy’s!” I feel like I nailed it. Much like a Broadway actor in the final performance of a long running show, my delivery was so fresh you would never guess I had delivered this same line about 100 times in the last day and a half. 

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To My First Born on His Fourth Birthday

To My First Born on His Fourth Birthday

You’re four years old now, so I think it’s time I finally leveled with you. I don’t really remember that much from the first year or two of your existence. To be totally honest, I feel like at any given moment I have a decent handle on the last two or three weeks, but anything beyond that is a bit of a crap shoot. It seems like all the new stuff just crowds out the old stuff. I know you so well right now, but I can hardly remember what you sounded like when you were two. It’s best that you learn this now, because barring the advent of an age-reversing revolution that I’m still hoping is just around the corner, this will likely only get worse for me.

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