Parents Take Three Kids Under Age Five to the Science Center and Pretty Much Survive!

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Parents Take Three Kids Under Age Five to the Science Center and Pretty Much Survive!

You know those weekends in August when it feels like summer has been going on for about a decade? Like somehow there was a disruption in the space-time continuum and the calendar just froze in place for a few weeks or years? But the calendar is the only thing that is frozen because the temperature outside hasn’t dipped below 90 degrees in several months? However, on the plus side, you know autumn is right around the corner and you will start to feel an ever so slight freshening in the air in only eight more weeks? Okay, twelve weeks tops? You know those weekends?

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My 4-Year-Old Asked My Mom About the Can of Coke in Her Refrigerator and Basically Cut Her Off at the Knees

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My 4-year-old, Jacob, saw my niece, Charlotte, get a can of Coke out of my mom's refrigerator and he had a few pointed questions...

Jacob: What did Charlotte get out of your refrigerator?

My mom: It's called Coke. It's a kind of drink.

Jacob: Can I have some?

Mom: No, it's not very good for you.

Jacob.: Why is Charlotte having it?

Mom: Well, I guess a little is OK for older kids and adults.

Jacob.: Why is it bad for you?

Mom: It has a lot of sugar.

Jacob: I like sugar.

Mom: Yes, but too much isn't good for you.

Jacob: If those drinks are so bad, why do we have them on earth?

Mom: That's a good question. I don't know really.

Jacob: Well, why do you have them in your refrigerator?

Mom: ...

#Owned

Waiting

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Waiting

We were driving home from the grandparents’ house on the Fourth of July. I was driving, my wife, Michelle, was in the passenger seat beside me. Two-year-old Bennett was buckled into his car seat in the second row behind me and little Olivia was right next to him in the middle. Four-year-old Jacob was in his newly positioned seat all the way in the back, in the third row of our SUV.

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What We Send Our Preschooler to School With on Theme Days Versus What the Good Parents Send

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Photo Credit: Sebastian Pichler (www.unsplash.com)

Bubble Day

Us: One small bottle of bubbles

Good Parents: 10 bubble wands and an oversized jug of bubble liquid refill

Movie Snack Day

Us: Ziploc sandwich bag containing goldfish crackers

Good Parents: Individual snack packs for the whole class and/or two boxes of donuts

Valentine’s Day

Us: Box of cards (with stickers included!) purchased at 10:30 p.m. the night before at Wal-Mart

Good Parents: Home-made, personalized heart-shaped cards that say “O-Fish-Ally Yours” with individual packs of goldfish crackers attached

Puppet Day

Us: Finger puppets borrowed from a friend the day before

Good Parents: Full-scale replica of the Sound of Music goatherd puppet stage complete with the full cast of marionettes

*I may have exaggerated a little on one of these (only one), because our kid got sick and had to miss one of the days, but I'm pretty sure that's how it would've gone. The overall point stands: we seem to be doing this wrong.

 

Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is now available for immediate purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions are both available. Don’t wait…everyone is doing it! (And by everyone I mean more than zero people.)

Apparently My Four-Year-Old’s Preschool Classmate Found a Bunny on the Playground and I Don’t Know What Is Real Anymore

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Apparently My Four-Year-Old’s Preschool Classmate Found a Bunny on the Playground and I Don’t Know What Is Real Anymore

Remember that game I told you we like to play? The one where we try to figure out exactly what goes on at my son’s preschool based on the little nuggets of information he drops? The game is called What We Know and What We Don’t Know.

Well, don’t look now, but this week I’ve got another exciting edition for you. Actually, you should probably look. Otherwise this won’t really work at all. And you don’t want to miss this one because even if it doesn’t turn out to be exciting, it will at least be highly confounding.

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Some of My Two-Year-Old's Favorite Activities

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Favorite Activity #9

  1. Opening doors by himself
  2. Pressing elevator buttons
  3. Getting his way
  4. Sitting on my head
  5. Wandering around in restaurants
  6. Opening and closing the garage door 
  7. Getting a water cup at Panera by himself; having me lift him up to fill the cup with water by himself; getting a top and straw by himself; repeating 17 times
  8. Threatening to put his older brother in timeout
  9. Feeling the baby
  10. Having a relatively loose definition of "by himself"
  11. Climbing on my back to "giddy up horsey" anytime I kneel, crouch, or lie face down for some reason
  12. Depending on the day and week, watching either Robots, Inside Out, or The Cat in the Hat at least three times a day
  13. Saying no
  14. Running “super fast”
  15. Marching with yogurt 
  16. Waving goodbye to any car that leaves our property
  17. Jumping on me when I'm sleeping
  18. Browsing through iPhone photo galleries
  19. Walking up and down steps in the swimming pool
  20. Walking up and down steps in general
  21. Microwaving his food because it's too hot
  22. Serving as de facto dictator of our household

Lost in Translation

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Lost in Translation

It’s beginning to feel like a substantial plurality of my stories are set at playgrounds or parks. This comes as no surprise, really. The playground is the only place I routinely go with my kids for two reasons. First, it exists outside the confines of our house and, despite being quite comfortable, our house can start to feel kind of claustrophobic at times. Second, and more importantly, the playground is the one place that no one holds any real expectations for my children’s behavior as long as they don’t injure anyone or climb up the slides.

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When the Nightmare Comes to Your Backyard

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When the Nightmare Comes to Your Backyard

For those of you who may not know, I have lived almost my entire life in central Florida. I was born in Titusville and the Orlando area is my current home.

I've had a hard time sleeping the last couple of nights even though we have a newborn and two other children under age five. Sleep usually comes easy when I can get it.

My heart is broken for my city.

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Fun Things to Do With Your Newborn

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Fun Things to Do With Your Newborn

Having a newborn can be tricky. Primarily because at first glance (and perhaps second, third, and fourth glances) newborns don’t seem to do much of anything. I mean, not only do they not move around much or talk, newborns are even really terrible at holding their own heads up. Heck, I’m pretty sure I heard that newborns don’t even know that their hands and feet belong to them or something. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re in charge of someone who has no neck strength and can’t even figure out where their hands are?

Lucky for you, I’ve been through the newborn stage three times now and I’ve come up with a solid list of fun activities for you and your new bundle of joy to bond over.

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Party of Five

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Party of Five

So far, so good. About a week into this third child thing and everything is going pretty okay. Perhaps the best part, which I stupidly didn’t even think about until the new baby arrived, is that I can now refer to our family as a party of five. This is really great for one reason and one reason only. Party of Five is one of my all-time favorite television shows and I’ve been really sad for the past sixteen years since it was canceled. I guess you could say this new family nickname is the first step in my healing process. It feels good.

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18 Things to Do the Day You Bring Your Third Child Home From the Hospital

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18 Things to Do the Day You Bring Your Third Child Home From the Hospital
  1. Panic.
  2. Drive from your house to the hospital. You were at your house because you still have to spend some time with the other ones. When you get to the hospital, open the trunk to your family vehicle and realize you have left the baby's car seat at home. Drive back home. Repeat; this time with the car seat. Don't sweat it too much because these minutes in the car are the last ones you will spend by yourself for the rest of your life.
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6 Things to Do the Day Your Wife Has Your Third Child

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1. Watch wife have the baby.

2. Go home and get kids 1 and 2 to sleep.

3. Stop in Dunkin Donuts outside the hospital at 9 p.m.

4. Look on quizzically as a guy walks in to the otherwise empty store, tells the cashier he used to eat at the store 25 years ago, and immediately starts to show off pictures of himself with various celebrities including Lebron James, Mariah Carey, and Floyd Mayweather. Shrug and smile awkwardly as he asks each of you in turn if you know someone or something named Pretty Boy Floyd.

5. Stand in line at hospital security. Hand over ID to security guard. When he asks boy or girl, answer girl. When he asks first? Answer no, third, two boys before. Smile awkwardly as he tells a meandering story that seems to suggest he might have recently participated in the murder or maiming of a friend's sister's estranged boyfriend. Nod in agreement that yes, it is good for a girl to have brothers for protection not because you have a strong opinion on the matter, but because you're a little scared right now. Instantly regret answering his questions with more than yes or no.

6. Hold your baby girl and think about not leaving the house after dark anymore.

Brothers

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Brothers

The funny thing about brothers is they can be so alike yet so different at the same time. Sometimes I look back at old videos of Jacob from when he was one or two years old and I can see and hear so much of Bennett in him. From the laugh to the facial expressions to the voice. Other times though, in the course of our daily life, they both do things that I know the other would never do in a million years.

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May the Twelfth Be With You (Did I Do That Right?)

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May the Twelfth Be With You (Did I Do That Right?)

OK. I think it is time I came clean about something. Some people in my life know my secret, but at least a few of the seven of you who will read this probably do not. I know that what I am about to confess will be viewed by some of you as an inexcusable moral failing. I sincerely hope we can all move past this in due time, but I am not hopeful.

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A Quick Note to My Sons on This Mother’s Day

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A Quick Note to My Sons on This Mother’s Day

Boys, come over here real quick. I need to tell you something important. Seriously, you can take a break from watching Octonauts and parachuting off the stacks of couch cushions and arguing about pieces of foam for just a minute. That’s all the time I need, one minute. I need to tell you something about your mom.

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The Happiest Place on Earth?

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The Happiest Place on Earth?

I decided to take my two boys (two and four years old) to Disney World by myself because I am an idiot. I mean, the original plan wasn’t so dumb, but the ultimate outcome was just stupid.

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