For any of you who have met me in person (i.e., approximately 99% of those reading this) or hope to one day (i.e., the other 1%), I’m sure one question has crossed your mind on more than one occasion. How can I be sure that it’s actually Andrew I’m in the presence of and not Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh?
Read MoreWhat comes from the wild must eventually return to the wild. Nature shall not be tamed. The power of the animal cannot be contained by the illusory strength of plastic walls.
Read MoreBefore I had kids, I always wondered what the appeal of performance art was for some people. And by some people I clearly mean the seven people who like to hang out at MoMA and guys with beards who live in Berkeley or wherever. And then I had kids. And now I really don’t get it.
Read MoreI realized the other day that I recently ate curry for four consecutive meals. For those of you scoring at home, it was a sweet potato, potato, and garbanzo bean curry served over Basmati rice. And yes, if you were wondering, that consecutive meal streak did include one breakfast. While I used to cook a reasonable variety of foods, this curry is about the only decent and somewhat new thing I ever make anymore. Otherwise, my repertoire is pretty stale and consists of the same three or four meals I’ve been routinely cooking for the past ten plus years. So, eating it four meals in a row doesn’t seem unreasonable. Plus, I usually don’t care what I eat these days because I have kids. Yeah, did you remember that? It’s pretty much why we’re all here.
Read MorePro: This cupcake icing appears to be sufficiently garish in color to stain my face, hands, and entire body neon blue for at least three weeks.
Con: I might have to take a bath later.
Read MoreI feel like my whole life has been but a rehearsal for this moment. All those hours spent toiling in solitude–well, as much solitude as a guy can get when there’s always a giant person chasing you around and interrupting your process–are about to pay off. It is finally my time to shine.
Read MoreIn case you were wondering, yes, I am apparently the type of person who now has a rescue turtle.
Read MoreI posted on Facebook a few months ago a picture of my then 3-year-old feeding green beans (I think) off his plate to his 1-year-old brother with the caption: “That moment when you find that person in your life who will eat your green beans for you.” That was definitely a great moment for my son. Frankly, I knew it would be difficult to top. When you’re a picky eater and your brother turns out to be a human garbage disposal, that’s pretty huge. However, I think last week we might’ve surpassed it.
Read MoreBefore we get started with this story, let me clarify one thing up front. The two-year-old mentioned in the title hasn’t actually turned two yet. So yes, if you were thinking that something in the title seemed a little off, your instincts were correct.
Anyway, however old he is, the important thing to remember is that we went on a walk. It was a sunny spring-like day. A little breezy, but nothing we couldn’t handle. It only took us twenty minutes to get shoes on, so, good start! Then I opened the garage and everything started to go south.
Read MoreTo all the parents out there, a question. Does it sometimes feel like your kids have your heart pinned up on a wall? Just stuck up there. Way up high where you can’t reach it without standing on the couch or reaching for it with a broom or something.
You know what I mean?
Read MoreOver the past few weeks I’ve been collecting some snippets of daily life to share. Because, no matter who you are, it’s always good to remember how ridiculous living with small children is. So, without making any attempt at creating any flow or narrative arc, I’m dumping them here for your reading enjoyment (or not). You might have seen some of these on my Facebook or Twitter, but let’s be honest, no you haven’t. Also, some are more or less word-for-word accurate and others are livened up a little. You can decide which are which.
Read MoreBefore we get started, let me take this opportunity to confirm that yes, this is yet another post about Sofia the First, which is a children’s TV show on the Disney Channel. Just in case the title wasn’t sufficiently self-explanatory. So, if this is not your cup of tea or you feel like it’s beneath you or whatever, feel free to check out now.
Read MoreOur four-year-old is about two weeks into his preschool experience. Somewhat surprisingly, so far, so good. Maybe he’s not so much like me after all. Yay, him!
Perhaps the best part of preschool from the parent side is trying to piece together what exactly goes on from the time we drop him off until the time we pick him up. Attempting to account for that three hour window is definitely still a work in progress. Here are a few things we know and don’t know.
Read MoreSometimes in the middle of the night, when the world is a little blurry around the edges, certain truths come into focus.
Read MoreSo I went go kart racing the other day. No, seriously, I did.
Read MoreIt’s winter. I heard there was a huge snow storm in a bunch of places around the country. I assume that when it’s really snowy and cold out, it’s probably pretty difficult to go outside. If you have preschoolers or toddlers and you are trapped in your house, I’m sorry. That must be terrible. It rained here for about four hours in the morning last week and I seriously thought about moving. Then I thought, no, that won’t work, the kids will just unpack all the boxes right after I pack them. And they might shove me into one of the boxes and tape me up inside. Then I thought, wait, that doesn’t sound so bad actually…but no, they'd probably get inside the box with me, tape us all up together somehow, and we’d be stuck in there forever.
Read MoreA terrible thing happened last week. We took our four-year-old to visit a preschool.
Read MoreI was pushing the boys on the swings at our favorite park one day when a kid ran up carrying a gun. The boy was maybe ten years old. He was white. He had blond hair that was short and fuzzy. And oh, I should probably mention, the gun was a toy.
Read MoreI don’t know about you, but there are few things I love more than Sofia the First.
Sometimes we’ll be watching an old episode and my four-year-old will lose interest. He’ll start jumping off the couch or whatever. Even worse, sometimes he wants me to do something else with him before the episode is over. He’ll be all like, “Daddy, Daddy! Let’s pretend you think I’m in the TV.” Meanwhile, I’m like, “Dude, chill. We can pretend you’re trapped inside the TV for the two thousandth time today in a few minutes. Right now I need to find out if Sofia and her pathetic horse Minimus are going to overcome incredibly long odds––like the Sixers wining the NBA championship type of odds––to win this flying horse derby thing and in the process if that little jerk Prince Hugo is going to get his comeuppance.”
Read MoreWell, I can't say I'm too surprised he got some negative reviews. I mean, my most recent dining experience looked like this...
But hey, looks like he's doing something right!
(Thanks to the editors at Razed for running with this!)
I’m going to keep this one casual because I feel like our relationship is strong enough to handle a little unfiltered, old-school blogging! My kids were on Spring Break last week. It’s hard to believe we’re three-quarters of the way through another school year. Time sure does fly, and empires sure do crumble right before our eyes, etc.
My children have had many long, elaborate, and often incomprehensible bedtime routines. I’ve written about these rituals several times because this nightly production has been a pillar of my existence for over a decade. It takes up a lot of space in my head and sometimes causes a fair amount of stiffness in my lower back.
I was sitting by myself in my car in a shopping plaza parking lot, scrolling my phone for a moment before heading to my next destination when a mom and her two little kids took me back in time.
The tattoo artist worked meticulously but quickly on my knuckle tattoos as I sat hunched over in a straight-backed chair, my arm resting on a paint-splattered wooden table. It was one of those fuzzy days between Christmas and New Year’s when time ceases to have any meaning and our actions have zero consequences.
I was sitting by myself in my car in a shopping plaza parking lot, scrolling my phone for a moment before heading to my next destination when a mom and her two little kids took me back in time.
My three children stood together in the open space between the doors of a mostly empty subway car with bright eyes and big smiles.
My family discovered a new outdoor activity that helped us ward off the mid-summer malaise but after just a few days, bruises, bumps, and a broken-down car ended our fun.
My debut novel LOVE’S A DISASTER is out NOW and I have created a playlist of songs to accompany the book!
It’s the last day of school before Spring Break starts. You’ve just attended your child’s Field Day or Picnic Day or It’s Not Break Yet But It Kind Of Is Day and all that time spent under the blazing sun surrounded by 800 screaming children has made you a little punchy.
In the spring of 2019, less than a year before the world shut down, my wife, three kids, and I took a spring break trip from our home in Florida to the UK. Michelle and I traveled quite a bit before we had kids, including a 10-month stay in Cambridge, where I completed a one-year master’s program. Since having kids, we’ve rarely left the house, let alone the country.