Two Dads Converse in the Parking Lot While Dropping Their Preschoolers Off for Puppet Day

Two Dads Converse in the Parking Lot While Dropping Their Preschoolers Off for Puppet Day

[In a preschool parking lot at 8:32 a.m. on a Friday. It is an unseasonably warm morning in February.]

Dad #1: Hey.

Dad #2: Hey, how's it going?

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The Rocking Chair

The Rocking Chair

Our middle child, Bennett, is turning three this week and I’ve been thinking a lot about the rocking chair in his bedroom. We got it from a friend a few years ago and though it was like new at the time, it is starting to show its age. The fabric is worn in some spots and it has plenty of stains, but, most importantly, it holds a lot of memories.

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7 Ways That Dad Whose Kids Barged in on His BBC Interview Could Improve His TV Performance

7 Ways That Dad Whose Kids Barged in on His BBC Interview Could Improve His TV Performance

By now you’ve probably seen (and maybe forgot about) the unfortunate professor whose live interview on BBC was interrupted by his two children.

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Life Imitates Art

Life Imitates Art

My almost 3-year-old, Bennett, was up early one morning recently. Of course, him being up early isn’t unusual; he’s almost always the first up. But this time was different because it was the first morning he felt the need to blatantly troll me while I was still half asleep.

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Boxing Days

Boxing Days

As it turns out, parenting is mostly buying stuff in giant cardboard boxes and then making room in your house for the empty cardboard boxes to live for about a month or so. Most recently for us the boxed purchase was a red car bed for our soon-to-be 3-year-old.

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How to Travel With Young Children

How to Travel With Young Children

Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

 

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How to Answer Important Questions When You Have More Than One Child

How to Answer Important Questions When You Have More Than One Child

Q: Do I have more (cereal/cookies/crackers)?

A: You both have exactly the same amount. I carefully counted the items and, to ensure accuracy, I weighed out each portion on this scale right here. You can rest assured that this scale is completely real. Thus, I have verified that the amount each of you has is identical in both number and total weight. *

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January Round-Up

As we reach the end of the first week of our new nightmare reality, why not take a few moments to click on these links and read some things I wrote this month elsewhere on the internet. If you haven't read them yet, that is, or even if you have. You know you want to...

Father "Kind of Bummed" He Didn't Receive Praise From Strangers While Shopping With His Children - MockMom

6 Parenting New Year's Resolutions You're Sure to Break by 9:30 A.M. on January 1st - MockMom

How to Get Your Baby Started on Solid Foods in 10 Easy Steps - Parent.co

The Cover Letter of a Fox Applying for the Job of Hen House Guard - Robot Butt

I Fully Support This Active Volcano in My Neighborhood Because I Think We Need Change - Robot Butt

5-Year-Old Thinks Poop Joke is Hilarious - MockMom

Golden Globes "In Memoriam" Tribute Rumored to be 30-Minutes Long - MockMom (Joke is on me for this one. Turns out the Golden Globes don't even have an in memoriam. Oops.)

 

What I Will Tell My Kids About Trump

What am I going to tell my three young children? How am I going to explain to them that a man who routinely peddles sexism, racism, and xenophobia was elected to our country’s highest office? What should I say when the leader of the free world mocks the disabled or brags about assaulting women? How do I teach them to be good parents when the President of the United States calls parenting women’s work? What do I say to counteract the vitriol that poisons our society, right from the very top?

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The Handshake That Launched a Presidency

The Handshake That Launched a Presidency

As the Obama years come to an end, allow me a moment to reflect on the handshake that propelled President Obama’s run to the White House. The handshake was, of course, with me.

Yes, in August of 2008, the junior senator from Illinois made a campaign stop in my hometown of Titusville for some reason and he shook my hand first, right after his speech, because he knew what was up.

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Top 7 Toys for Infants in 2017

Top 7 Toys for Infants in 2017

A new year has arrived and you know what that means: Time to buy some new toys for your infant!

Picking out the perfect baby toy can be a real challenge because there are so many options to choose from and there is no room for error. It is critical that you select toys that will challenge your baby intellectually and are sufficiently resistant to drool.

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2016 Year in Review

2016 Year in Review

Yes, yes, we all know by now: 2016 was the year from hell. Everyone cool died, which made us all sad at first, but then by November we were just envious of them. As we bid farewell to a difficult 2016, we can take solace in the knowledge that 2017 is likely to be much, much worse. Happy New Year!

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The Portable North Pole App: Now You Can Get Your Kids to Behave by Scaring Them With Santa Right on Your Phone!

The Portable North Pole App: Now You Can Get Your Kids to Behave by Scaring Them With Santa Right on Your Phone!

Each year when the calendar flips from, I don’t know, let’s say June to July – heck, maybe even February to March if they’re really ambitious – parents everywhere start trotting out the jolly specter of Santa Claus to browbeat their children into submission.

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My Four-Year-Old and I Have At Least One Very Important Thing in Common

My Four-Year-Old and I Have At Least One Very Important Thing in Common

My four-year-old and I are definitely not the same person. We have many differences. For example, I am significantly taller and I don’t cry nearly as much about sandwiches.

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An Open Letter to My Children: People May Try to Lie to You About Our World, Don’t Believe Them

An Open Letter to My Children: People May Try to Lie to You About Our World, Don’t Believe Them

I know you don’t realize it, but our world is a little turbulent right now. Probably not any more turbulent than normal, really, but the present and future often feel more frightening than the past.

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Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just About to Light Myself on Fire Inside a Wal-Mart

Don’t Mind Me, I’m Just About to Light Myself on Fire Inside a Wal-Mart

Sometimes after I drop off my four-year-old at preschool in the morning, the other two kids and I make a quick stop at the grocery store. Sometimes we go to Publix and sometimes we go to Wal-Mart, depending on how much self-hate I am harboring on a given day. 

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Just a Few Everyday Discussions With My Four-Year-Old

4 y.o.: You know what I wish?

Me: What do you wish?

4 y.o.: I wish that I could be a PJ Mask.

Me: Oh yeah? Me too. But I want to be the one that doesn’t dress up and just stays home and sleeps at night instead of catching bad guys.

4 y.o.: …

 ****

4 y.o.: I wish there were fireworks that you can just see but don’t make any noise.

Me: Yeah.

4 y.o.: Because then I wouldn’t be scared.

Me: Mm-hmm.

4 y.o.: That would be amazing.

 ****

4 y.o.: Why do they call these hands?

Me: That's just what they're called.

4 y.o.: Why do they call these noses?

Me: That's just what they're called.

4 y.o.: *asks same question for every body part*

Me: *falls asleep, wakes up a couple house later*

4 y.o.: Why do they call these shirts?

 ****

*Listening to 80s music on the radio*

4 y.o.: What does that mean? Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Like everybody wants to be in charge. Everybody wants to be king of the world.

4 y.o.: Why do people want to do that?

Me: I don't know. Power. Greed. Ego?

4 y.o.: Because it's nice?

Me: Sure.

4 y.o.: The Christmas train movie is my favorite movie.

 ****

4 y.o.: When will I be old enough to watch SpongeBob? I do like it.

Me: NEVER

 ****

4 y.o.: When you swim are you supposed to cover your nose and mouth with your hand so you don’t get water in them?

Me: I don’t know if that’s possible.

4 y.o.: But are you?

Me: Yes.

 ****

J: If we eat all the apples there are zero apples.

Me: Right.

J: If there are no trees left on earth there are zero.

Me: Yes?

J: If there is no sun there are zero.

Me: Ok.

J: I wish the sun would go away because it's too hot.

Me: But we need it or earth would be too cold.

J: But I like it cold.

Me: It would be very, very cold without the sun.

J: I like it very, very cold.

Me: Ok fine.

J: There is supposed to be a polar bear in the house at Christmas.

Me: ...

 

Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is now available for immediate purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions are both available. Don’t wait…everyone is doing it! (And by everyone I mean more than zero people.)

Parents Take Three Kids Under Age Five to the Science Center and Pretty Much Survive!

Parents Take Three Kids Under Age Five to the Science Center and Pretty Much Survive!

You know those weekends in August when it feels like summer has been going on for about a decade? Like somehow there was a disruption in the space-time continuum and the calendar just froze in place for a few weeks or years? But the calendar is the only thing that is frozen because the temperature outside hasn’t dipped below 90 degrees in several months? However, on the plus side, you know autumn is right around the corner and you will start to feel an ever so slight freshening in the air in only eight more weeks? Okay, twelve weeks tops? You know those weekends?

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