Personal Fireworks Ranked
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Types of personal fireworks you buy from those tents outside Wal-Mart or the back of someone's van or whatever ranked from best to worst...
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Writing about parenting, fatherhood, life, and all things ambiguous
Some of My Two-Year-Old's Favorite Activities
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Favorite Activity #9
- Opening doors by himself
- Pressing elevator buttons
- Getting his way
- Sitting on my head
- Wandering around in restaurants
- Opening and closing the garage door
- Getting a water cup at Panera by himself; having me lift him up to fill the cup with water by himself; getting a top and straw by himself; repeating 17 times
- Threatening to put his older brother in timeout
- Feeling the baby
- Having a relatively loose definition of "by himself"
- Climbing on my back to "giddy up horsey" anytime I kneel, crouch, or lie face down for some reason
- Depending on the day and week, watching either Robots, Inside Out, or The Cat in the Hat at least three times a day
- Saying no
- Running “super fast”
- Marching with yogurt
- Waving goodbye to any car that leaves our property
- Jumping on me when I'm sleeping
- Browsing through iPhone photo galleries
- Walking up and down steps in the swimming pool
- Walking up and down steps in general
- Microwaving his food because it's too hot
- Serving as de facto dictator of our household
Lost in Translation
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It’s beginning to feel like a substantial plurality of my stories are set at playgrounds or parks. This comes as no surprise, really. The playground is the only place I routinely go with my kids for two reasons. First, it exists outside the confines of our house and, despite being quite comfortable, our house can start to feel kind of claustrophobic at times. Second, and more importantly, the playground is the one place that no one holds any real expectations for my children’s behavior as long as they don’t injure anyone or climb up the slides.
Read MoreWhen the Nightmare Comes to Your Backyard
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For those of you who may not know, I have lived almost my entire life in central Florida. I was born in Titusville and the Orlando area is my current home.
I've had a hard time sleeping the last couple of nights even though we have a newborn and two other children under age five. Sleep usually comes easy when I can get it.
My heart is broken for my city.
Read MoreFun Things to Do With Your Newborn
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Having a newborn can be tricky. Primarily because at first glance (and perhaps second, third, and fourth glances) newborns don’t seem to do much of anything. I mean, not only do they not move around much or talk, newborns are even really terrible at holding their own heads up. Heck, I’m pretty sure I heard that newborns don’t even know that their hands and feet belong to them or something. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re in charge of someone who has no neck strength and can’t even figure out where their hands are?
Lucky for you, I’ve been through the newborn stage three times now and I’ve come up with a solid list of fun activities for you and your new bundle of joy to bond over.
Read MoreParty of Five
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So far, so good. About a week into this third child thing and everything is going pretty okay. Perhaps the best part, which I stupidly didn’t even think about until the new baby arrived, is that I can now refer to our family as a party of five. This is really great for one reason and one reason only. Party of Five is one of my all-time favorite television shows and I’ve been really sad for the past sixteen years since it was canceled. I guess you could say this new family nickname is the first step in my healing process. It feels good.
Read More18 Things to Do the Day You Bring Your Third Child Home From the Hospital
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- Panic.
- Drive from your house to the hospital. You were at your house because you still have to spend some time with the other ones. When you get to the hospital, open the trunk to your family vehicle and realize you have left the baby's car seat at home. Drive back home. Repeat; this time with the car seat. Don't sweat it too much because these minutes in the car are the last ones you will spend by yourself for the rest of your life.
6 Things to Do the Day Your Wife Has Your Third Child
/1. Watch wife have the baby.
2. Go home and get kids 1 and 2 to sleep.
3. Stop in Dunkin Donuts outside the hospital at 9 p.m.
4. Look on quizzically as a guy walks in to the otherwise empty store, tells the cashier he used to eat at the store 25 years ago, and immediately starts to show off pictures of himself with various celebrities including Lebron James, Mariah Carey, and Floyd Mayweather. Shrug and smile awkwardly as he asks each of you in turn if you know someone or something named Pretty Boy Floyd.
5. Stand in line at hospital security. Hand over ID to security guard. When he asks boy or girl, answer girl. When he asks first? Answer no, third, two boys before. Smile awkwardly as he tells a meandering story that seems to suggest he might have recently participated in the murder or maiming of a friend's sister's estranged boyfriend. Nod in agreement that yes, it is good for a girl to have brothers for protection not because you have a strong opinion on the matter, but because you're a little scared right now. Instantly regret answering his questions with more than yes or no.
6. Hold your baby girl and think about not leaving the house after dark anymore.
Brothers
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The funny thing about brothers is they can be so alike yet so different at the same time. Sometimes I look back at old videos of Jacob from when he was one or two years old and I can see and hear so much of Bennett in him. From the laugh to the facial expressions to the voice. Other times though, in the course of our daily life, they both do things that I know the other would never do in a million years.
Read MoreMay the Twelfth Be With You (Did I Do That Right?)
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OK. I think it is time I came clean about something. Some people in my life know my secret, but at least a few of the seven of you who will read this probably do not. I know that what I am about to confess will be viewed by some of you as an inexcusable moral failing. I sincerely hope we can all move past this in due time, but I am not hopeful.
Read MoreA Quick Note to My Sons on This Mother’s Day
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Boys, come over here real quick. I need to tell you something important. Seriously, you can take a break from watching Octonauts and parachuting off the stacks of couch cushions and arguing about pieces of foam for just a minute. That’s all the time I need, one minute. I need to tell you something about your mom.
Read MoreThe Happiest Place on Earth?
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I decided to take my two boys (two and four years old) to Disney World by myself because I am an idiot. I mean, the original plan wasn’t so dumb, but the ultimate outcome was just stupid.
Read MoreMe or Eeyore?
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For any of you who have met me in person (i.e., approximately 99% of those reading this) or hope to one day (i.e., the other 1%), I’m sure one question has crossed your mind on more than one occasion. How can I be sure that it’s actually Andrew I’m in the presence of and not Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh?
Read MoreTurtle Power: Part II
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What comes from the wild must eventually return to the wild. Nature shall not be tamed. The power of the animal cannot be contained by the illusory strength of plastic walls.
Read MoreJacob the Great
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Before I had kids, I always wondered what the appeal of performance art was for some people. And by some people I clearly mean the seven people who like to hang out at MoMA and guys with beards who live in Berkeley or wherever. And then I had kids. And now I really don’t get it.
Read MoreWeird Food, Inc.
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I realized the other day that I recently ate curry for four consecutive meals. For those of you scoring at home, it was a sweet potato, potato, and garbanzo bean curry served over Basmati rice. And yes, if you were wondering, that consecutive meal streak did include one breakfast. While I used to cook a reasonable variety of foods, this curry is about the only decent and somewhat new thing I ever make anymore. Otherwise, my repertoire is pretty stale and consists of the same three or four meals I’ve been routinely cooking for the past ten plus years. So, eating it four meals in a row doesn’t seem unreasonable. Plus, I usually don’t care what I eat these days because I have kids. Yeah, did you remember that? It’s pretty much why we’re all here.
Read MorePRO/CON: Participating in this Ridiculous Charade of Smashing a Cake at My First Birthday Party
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Pro: This cupcake icing appears to be sufficiently garish in color to stain my face, hands, and entire body neon blue for at least three weeks.
Con: I might have to take a bath later.
Read MoreReflections on Life and Performance Art on the First Anniversary of My Birth
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I feel like my whole life has been but a rehearsal for this moment. All those hours spent toiling in solitude–well, as much solitude as a guy can get when there’s always a giant person chasing you around and interrupting your process–are about to pay off. It is finally my time to shine.
Read MoreTurtle Power
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In case you were wondering, yes, I am apparently the type of person who now has a rescue turtle.
Read MorePoop on a Stick
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I posted on Facebook a few months ago a picture of my then 3-year-old feeding green beans (I think) off his plate to his 1-year-old brother with the caption: “That moment when you find that person in your life who will eat your green beans for you.” That was definitely a great moment for my son. Frankly, I knew it would be difficult to top. When you’re a picky eater and your brother turns out to be a human garbage disposal, that’s pretty huge. However, I think last week we might’ve surpassed it.
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