- Drive from your house to the hospital. You were at your house because you still have to spend some time with the other ones. When you get to the hospital, open the trunk to your family vehicle and realize you have left the baby's car seat at home. Drive back home. Repeat; this time with the car seat. Don't sweat it too much because these minutes in the car are the last ones you will spend by yourself for the rest of your life.
1. Watch wife have the baby.
2. Go home and get kids 1 and 2 to sleep.
3. Stop in Dunkin Donuts outside the hospital at 9 p.m.
4. Look on quizzically as a guy walks in to the otherwise empty store, tells the cashier he used to eat at the store 25 years ago, and immediately starts to show off pictures of himself with various celebrities including Lebron James, Mariah Carey, and Floyd Mayweather. Shrug and smile awkwardly as he asks each of you in turn if you know someone or something named Pretty Boy Floyd.
5. Stand in line at hospital security. Hand over ID to security guard. When he asks boy or girl, answer girl. When he asks first? Answer no, third, two boys before. Smile awkwardly as he tells a meandering story that seems to suggest he might have recently participated in the murder or maiming of a friend's sister's estranged boyfriend. Nod in agreement that yes, it is good for a girl to have brothers for protection not because you have a strong opinion on the matter, but because you're a little scared right now. Instantly regret answering his questions with more than yes or no.
6. Hold your baby girl and think about not leaving the house after dark anymore.
The funny thing about brothers is they can be so alike yet so different at the same time. Sometimes I look back at old videos of Jacob from when he was one or two years old and I can see and hear so much of Bennett in him. From the laugh to the facial expressions to the voice. Other times though, in the course of our daily life, they both do things that I know the other would never do in a million years.Read More
OK. I think it is time I came clean about something. Some people in my life know my secret, but at least a few of the seven of you who will read this probably do not. I know that what I am about to confess will be viewed by some of you as an inexcusable moral failing. I sincerely hope we can all move past this in due time, but I am not hopeful.Read More
Boys, come over here real quick. I need to tell you something important. Seriously, you can take a break from watching Octonauts and parachuting off the stacks of couch cushions and arguing about pieces of foam for just a minute. That’s all the time I need, one minute. I need to tell you something about your mom.Read More
For any of you who have met me in person (i.e., approximately 99% of those reading this) or hope to one day (i.e., the other 1%), I’m sure one question has crossed your mind on more than one occasion. How can I be sure that it’s actually Andrew I’m in the presence of and not Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh?Read More
Before I had kids, I always wondered what the appeal of performance art was for some people. And by some people I clearly mean the seven people who like to hang out at MoMA and guys with beards who live in Berkeley or wherever. And then I had kids. And now I really don’t get it.Read More
I realized the other day that I recently ate curry for four consecutive meals. For those of you scoring at home, it was a sweet potato, potato, and garbanzo bean curry served over Basmati rice. And yes, if you were wondering, that consecutive meal streak did include one breakfast. While I used to cook a reasonable variety of foods, this curry is about the only decent and somewhat new thing I ever make anymore. Otherwise, my repertoire is pretty stale and consists of the same three or four meals I’ve been routinely cooking for the past ten plus years. So, eating it four meals in a row doesn’t seem unreasonable. Plus, I usually don’t care what I eat these days because I have kids. Yeah, did you remember that? It’s pretty much why we’re all here.Read More
I feel like my whole life has been but a rehearsal for this moment. All those hours spent toiling in solitude–well, as much solitude as a guy can get when there’s always a giant person chasing you around and interrupting your process–are about to pay off. It is finally my time to shine.Read More
I posted on Facebook a few months ago a picture of my then 3-year-old feeding green beans (I think) off his plate to his 1-year-old brother with the caption: “That moment when you find that person in your life who will eat your green beans for you.” That was definitely a great moment for my son. Frankly, I knew it would be difficult to top. When you’re a picky eater and your brother turns out to be a human garbage disposal, that’s pretty huge. However, I think last week we might’ve surpassed it.Read More
Before we get started with this story, let me clarify one thing up front. The two-year-old mentioned in the title hasn’t actually turned two yet. So yes, if you were thinking that something in the title seemed a little off, your instincts were correct.
Anyway, however old he is, the important thing to remember is that we went on a walk. It was a sunny spring-like day. A little breezy, but nothing we couldn’t handle. It only took us twenty minutes to get shoes on, so, good start! Then I opened the garage and everything started to go south.Read More
To all the parents out there, a question. Does it sometimes feel like your kids have your heart pinned up on a wall? Just stuck up there. Way up high where you can’t reach it without standing on the couch or reaching for it with a broom or something.
You know what I mean?Read More
Over the past few weeks I’ve been collecting some snippets of daily life to share. Because, no matter who you are, it’s always good to remember how ridiculous living with small children is. So, without making any attempt at creating any flow or narrative arc, I’m dumping them here for your reading enjoyment (or not). You might have seen some of these on my Facebook or Twitter, but let’s be honest, no you haven’t. Also, some are more or less word-for-word accurate and others are livened up a little. You can decide which are which.Read More
Before we get started, let me take this opportunity to confirm that yes, this is yet another post about Sofia the First, which is a children’s TV show on the Disney Channel. Just in case the title wasn’t sufficiently self-explanatory. So, if this is not your cup of tea or you feel like it’s beneath you or whatever, feel free to check out now.Read More
Our four-year-old is about two weeks into his preschool experience. Somewhat surprisingly, so far, so good. Maybe he’s not so much like me after all. Yay, him!
Perhaps the best part of preschool from the parent side is trying to piece together what exactly goes on from the time we drop him off until the time we pick him up. Attempting to account for that three hour window is definitely still a work in progress. Here are a few things we know and don’t know.Read More