Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.
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Q: Do I have more (cereal/cookies/crackers)?
A: You both have exactly the same amount. I carefully counted the items and, to ensure accuracy, I weighed out each portion on this scale right here. You can rest assured that this scale is completely real. Thus, I have verified that the amount each of you has is identical in both number and total weight. *
Read MoreAs we reach the end of the first week of our new nightmare reality, why not take a few moments to click on these links and read some things I wrote this month elsewhere on the internet. If you haven't read them yet, that is, or even if you have. You know you want to...
Father "Kind of Bummed" He Didn't Receive Praise From Strangers While Shopping With His Children - MockMom
6 Parenting New Year's Resolutions You're Sure to Break by 9:30 A.M. on January 1st - MockMom
How to Get Your Baby Started on Solid Foods in 10 Easy Steps - Parent.co
The Cover Letter of a Fox Applying for the Job of Hen House Guard - Robot Butt
I Fully Support This Active Volcano in My Neighborhood Because I Think We Need Change - Robot Butt
5-Year-Old Thinks Poop Joke is Hilarious - MockMom
Golden Globes "In Memoriam" Tribute Rumored to be 30-Minutes Long - MockMom (Joke is on me for this one. Turns out the Golden Globes don't even have an in memoriam. Oops.)
What am I going to tell my three young children? How am I going to explain to them that a man who routinely peddles sexism, racism, and xenophobia was elected to our country’s highest office? What should I say when the leader of the free world mocks the disabled or brags about assaulting women? How do I teach them to be good parents when the President of the United States calls parenting women’s work? What do I say to counteract the vitriol that poisons our society, right from the very top?
Read MoreAs the Obama years come to an end, allow me a moment to reflect on the handshake that propelled President Obama’s run to the White House. The handshake was, of course, with me.
Yes, in August of 2008, the junior senator from Illinois made a campaign stop in my hometown of Titusville for some reason and he shook my hand first, right after his speech, because he knew what was up.
Read MoreA new year has arrived and you know what that means: Time to buy some new toys for your infant!
Picking out the perfect baby toy can be a real challenge because there are so many options to choose from and there is no room for error. It is critical that you select toys that will challenge your baby intellectually and are sufficiently resistant to drool.
Read MoreYes, yes, we all know by now: 2016 was the year from hell. Everyone cool died, which made us all sad at first, but then by November we were just envious of them. As we bid farewell to a difficult 2016, we can take solace in the knowledge that 2017 is likely to be much, much worse. Happy New Year!
Read MoreEach year when the calendar flips from, I don’t know, let’s say June to July – heck, maybe even February to March if they’re really ambitious – parents everywhere start trotting out the jolly specter of Santa Claus to browbeat their children into submission.
Read MoreMy four-year-old and I are definitely not the same person. We have many differences. For example, I am significantly taller and I don’t cry nearly as much about sandwiches.
Read MoreI know you don’t realize it, but our world is a little turbulent right now. Probably not any more turbulent than normal, really, but the present and future often feel more frightening than the past.
Read MoreSometimes after I drop off my four-year-old at preschool in the morning, the other two kids and I make a quick stop at the grocery store. Sometimes we go to Publix and sometimes we go to Wal-Mart, depending on how much self-hate I am harboring on a given day.
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4 y.o.: You know what I wish?
Me: What do you wish?
4 y.o.: I wish that I could be a PJ Mask.
Me: Oh yeah? Me too. But I want to be the one that doesn’t dress up and just stays home and sleeps at night instead of catching bad guys.
4 y.o.: …
****
4 y.o.: I wish there were fireworks that you can just see but don’t make any noise.
Me: Yeah.
4 y.o.: Because then I wouldn’t be scared.
Me: Mm-hmm.
4 y.o.: That would be amazing.
****
4 y.o.: Why do they call these hands?
Me: That's just what they're called.
4 y.o.: Why do they call these noses?
Me: That's just what they're called.
4 y.o.: *asks same question for every body part*
Me: *falls asleep, wakes up a couple house later*
4 y.o.: Why do they call these shirts?
****
*Listening to 80s music on the radio*
4 y.o.: What does that mean? Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Like everybody wants to be in charge. Everybody wants to be king of the world.
4 y.o.: Why do people want to do that?
Me: I don't know. Power. Greed. Ego?
4 y.o.: Because it's nice?
Me: Sure.
4 y.o.: The Christmas train movie is my favorite movie.
****
4 y.o.: When will I be old enough to watch SpongeBob? I do like it.
Me: NEVER
****
4 y.o.: When you swim are you supposed to cover your nose and mouth with your hand so you don’t get water in them?
Me: I don’t know if that’s possible.
4 y.o.: But are you?
Me: Yes.
****
J: If we eat all the apples there are zero apples.
Me: Right.
J: If there are no trees left on earth there are zero.
Me: Yes?
J: If there is no sun there are zero.
Me: Ok.
J: I wish the sun would go away because it's too hot.
Me: But we need it or earth would be too cold.
J: But I like it cold.
Me: It would be very, very cold without the sun.
J: I like it very, very cold.
Me: Ok fine.
J: There is supposed to be a polar bear in the house at Christmas.
Me: ...
Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is now available for immediate purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions are both available. Don’t wait…everyone is doing it! (And by everyone I mean more than zero people.)
You know those weekends in August when it feels like summer has been going on for about a decade? Like somehow there was a disruption in the space-time continuum and the calendar just froze in place for a few weeks or years? But the calendar is the only thing that is frozen because the temperature outside hasn’t dipped below 90 degrees in several months? However, on the plus side, you know autumn is right around the corner and you will start to feel an ever so slight freshening in the air in only eight more weeks? Okay, twelve weeks tops? You know those weekends?
Read MoreSometimes the only thing you can do is, well, Bolt!
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My 4-year-old, Jacob, saw my niece, Charlotte, get a can of Coke out of my mom's refrigerator and he had a few pointed questions...
Jacob: What did Charlotte get out of your refrigerator?
My mom: It's called Coke. It's a kind of drink.
Jacob: Can I have some?
Mom: No, it's not very good for you.
Jacob.: Why is Charlotte having it?
Mom: Well, I guess a little is OK for older kids and adults.
Jacob.: Why is it bad for you?
Mom: It has a lot of sugar.
Jacob: I like sugar.
Mom: Yes, but too much isn't good for you.
Jacob: If those drinks are so bad, why do we have them on earth?
Mom: That's a good question. I don't know really.
Jacob: Well, why do you have them in your refrigerator?
Mom: ...
#Owned
We were driving home from the grandparents’ house on the Fourth of July. I was driving, my wife, Michelle, was in the passenger seat beside me. Two-year-old Bennett was buckled into his car seat in the second row behind me and little Olivia was right next to him in the middle. Four-year-old Jacob was in his newly positioned seat all the way in the back, in the third row of our SUV.
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Photo Credit: Sebastian Pichler (www.unsplash.com)
Bubble Day
Us: One small bottle of bubbles
Good Parents: 10 bubble wands and an oversized jug of bubble liquid refill
Movie Snack Day
Us: Ziploc sandwich bag containing goldfish crackers
Good Parents: Individual snack packs for the whole class and/or two boxes of donuts
Valentine’s Day
Us: Box of cards (with stickers included!) purchased at 10:30 p.m. the night before at Wal-Mart
Good Parents: Home-made, personalized heart-shaped cards that say “O-Fish-Ally Yours” with individual packs of goldfish crackers attached
Puppet Day
Us: Finger puppets borrowed from a friend the day before
Good Parents: Full-scale replica of the Sound of Music goatherd puppet stage complete with the full cast of marionettes
*I may have exaggerated a little on one of these (only one), because our kid got sick and had to miss one of the days, but I'm pretty sure that's how it would've gone. The overall point stands: we seem to be doing this wrong.
Don’t forget! My book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is now available for immediate purchase at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much all of your favorite online book retailers. Paperback and ebook versions are both available. Don’t wait…everyone is doing it! (And by everyone I mean more than zero people.)
I might be a little fuzzy on what sleep training is, but I know it's important to start early.
Read MoreIt’s finally here: July 12 aka Launch Day!!!
Read MoreRemember that game I told you we like to play? The one where we try to figure out exactly what goes on at my son’s preschool based on the little nuggets of information he drops? The game is called What We Know and What We Don’t Know.
Well, don’t look now, but this week I’ve got another exciting edition for you. Actually, you should probably look. Otherwise this won’t really work at all. And you don’t want to miss this one because even if it doesn’t turn out to be exciting, it will at least be highly confounding.
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